I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
