im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
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