Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
I'm a sociology major remember
Well that and comm
Basically you majored in how to get laid
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Randomize
