did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
NoShamevember. You game?
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Randomize
