She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
Randomize
