Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
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