i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
Randomize
