Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Randomize
