i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
