He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
the liver wants what the liver wants
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
