dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
Randomize
