If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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