I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
And that's when I found out that Patrick wasn't in fact down with O.P.P.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
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