I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Randomize
