Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Randomize
