he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize
