I puked a lego.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
We smell like vodka and hangover
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
