I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
What you up to?
Having coffee. Getting eyefucked. Eyefucking.
Full throttle
Some guys are relationship guys. Not our niche.
I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
You had me at "let me see your balls"
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
