if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
