I faked an abortion last night.
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
