I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
