i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
I want to fling myself into the sun
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
