Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
he is a creepy guy.
yea thats what heroine does to ppl.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
Randomize
