I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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