please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
Randomize
