Where did you get a picture of my penis
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
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