Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
He lets me throw up in him even if i do it mistakeily- erica talking about the toilet
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
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