if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
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