I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
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