does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
