I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
Randomize
