This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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