You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Randomize
