If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
