i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
Randomize
