I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
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