Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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