i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Randomize
