i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
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