she's into porn, im staying here tonight
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Found your dick twin last night
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
