i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
small problem..I have a major exam in the morning so I might have to go to the library after the party
so no drinking for you?
don't be silly
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
What a dumb baby whore.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
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