he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
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