im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Randomize
