just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
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