I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
