My cat gives me a boner
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Randomize
