as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
You pole danced in your parka.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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