The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
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