This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
So just talked to them hahah i like that people sat there and watched as you two made out... They said they even had to refill their beers
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
I came so hard my ears popped.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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