I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Randomize
