6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
Short Circuit remake moving forward, David Carradine dead by his own hand. Come home soon, society deteriorating rapidly. Nation's capitol likely not safe.
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Randomize
